There are no words

When I was a little girl, I can remember as clear as day, we were riding down one of the main roads in Chattanooga and my older brother said something that truly offended me. Although I can't remember what he said, I DO remember what my dad said in response to my super offended reaction. My dad said, "Sweetie, you need to learn how to take a joke!" This, of course, offended me too. "How dare my own father criticize me after my brother offended me? The nerve!" Then, it hit me! I was getting super offended all the time, and I was just a little girl! I decided right then that I would accept constructive criticism and joking, and I would give other people the benefit of the doubt.  

You can't control what other people say to you, but you can control how you react to what they say.

Our society is full of the easily offended and of people eager to not offend. Hence the articles on how not to offend people. Recently, my news feed has been full of articles about "8 Things You Should Never Say" or "12 Things That if You Say Them Make You a Horrible Person." Most of them are about what not to say to grieving parents, people with cancer, or people with other struggles/illness. These articles are generally well written and well-meaning. As a grieving mom, I can definitely identify with them and see where the authors are coming from. Some comments can be painful to hear.

The problem with people who are easily offended and the people eager not to offend, is that we have created lists of dos and don'ts that people have to memorize in order to interact with others. It's not natural! When our baby died, sure, we had all kinds of inappropriate comments and even a few inappropriate "grief gifts." But, they're comments and presents! Presents that people took the time to pick out, thinking, "I think this might make Cara and her family feel better." And comments that in people's heads, sounded really good to them! My friends and family aren't trying to offend me, they are trying to comfort me and let me know they love me and are sad that our baby died. If there was a perfect phrase or gift to send a grieving person, everyone would say or give that perfect thing.

If you slip and accidentally say something offensive to me, I appreciate what you are really trying to say- that you love me, and you're sorry our baby died. I'm sorry too, and I love you too. I have said more than my fair share of stupid things in my life, and I know I'm not finished doing so. I will try to not offend anyone, but the most offensive thing people can do to someone who needs comfort, is not saying anything because they are too scared.

To everyone who has expressed sympathy and given us gifts, we are incredibly thankful! We have the best friends and family anyone could possibly ask for. Thank you for your bravery in saying something to us. Thank you for the hugs, and thank you for saying, "There are no words." Because there really aren't, but it still means so much that you try.