Mixed Feelings for the New Year

Some people have been asking me lately, "How are you?" I don't really know how to respond. I'm sad and I miss Henry. I am happiest when Mack and Nathan do or say funny things or when they show me they love me. I told Nathan the other day that I love when he makes me laugh at myself. He replied, "You give me great material to work with!" We have our good days and our bad days. Time marches on at a steady pace, and sometimes I feel like it's marching on without me and I'm trying to catch back up to it. I'm having a hard time believing it's almost 2014!

It's hitting me hard this New Year's Eve that baby Henry's entire life was in 2013. We discovered his existence in February and he was born in September at 34 weeks old. 34 weeks is a huge chunk of our year! I asked my husband what the highlights of his year were. We both had a hard time coming up with non-Henry-related items. Finding out you're pregnant, getting to feel the baby kick, finding out it's another boy, coming up with a name, buying things and decorating the nursery, cleaning up all of Mack's hand-me-downs, sorting baby clothes, and going to OB appointments. All of these things were highlights of 2013.

There have also been lots of exciting Mack-related highlights of 2013. Mack became a big brother, although maybe not in the way we thought it would be. He learned how to walk, and then run, and then he never walked anywhere again! He only has one speed- fast! He has increased his vocabulary like crazy and we're starting to have legit conversations! He is using the potty (but not potty-trained all the way) and learning how to do more and more things on his own. He has finally stopped spitting up this year and his reflux has gotten much better. His little personality has blossomed and he is loving and hilarious and just a little wild :)

The mom of Mack in me can't wait for 2014 to see what else Mack will do as a two year old! The mom of Henry in me is sad to see 2013 coming to a close.

We went to the cemetery today to visit Henry's grave. I never thought I'd be spending part of New Year's Eve visiting my son's grave. I'm so glad his marker is finally here and we have a permanent place to go and remember our baby boy. I bought a bouquet of bright orange, yellow, and green flowers to put around his headstone. I thought they looked like they were cheerfully welcoming the new year.

Here is a picture of Henry's marker with the last batch of Christmas flowers that I brought.

Who knows what this next year holds for our family. The doctors say even though they have no idea what caused Henry to be stillborn, that it is less likely to happen again if we wait a full year between pregnancies. So, this year will be one of trying to be satisfied with what I have. I'm trying really hard to be completely happy being a wife and mother of a 20 month old. I'm trying not to yearn for a life where I'm a wife and mother to a 20 month old and a 2 month old. I'm trying to get used to my body again now that I'm not pregnant or breastfeeding. Now that it's actually mine again, I'm really trying to work on just being healthy for a little while. Not stick skinny, but just healthy.

I'm really excited about our church's plan to read "The Story" together this next year and study the story of God's love for us. I pray that this year includes lots of spiritual growth for our family.