Mixed Feelings for the New Year

Some people have been asking me lately, "How are you?" I don't really know how to respond. I'm sad and I miss Henry. I am happiest when Mack and Nathan do or say funny things or when they show me they love me. I told Nathan the other day that I love when he makes me laugh at myself. He replied, "You give me great material to work with!" We have our good days and our bad days. Time marches on at a steady pace, and sometimes I feel like it's marching on without me and I'm trying to catch back up to it. I'm having a hard time believing it's almost 2014!

It's hitting me hard this New Year's Eve that baby Henry's entire life was in 2013. We discovered his existence in February and he was born in September at 34 weeks old. 34 weeks is a huge chunk of our year! I asked my husband what the highlights of his year were. We both had a hard time coming up with non-Henry-related items. Finding out you're pregnant, getting to feel the baby kick, finding out it's another boy, coming up with a name, buying things and decorating the nursery, cleaning up all of Mack's hand-me-downs, sorting baby clothes, and going to OB appointments. All of these things were highlights of 2013.

There have also been lots of exciting Mack-related highlights of 2013. Mack became a big brother, although maybe not in the way we thought it would be. He learned how to walk, and then run, and then he never walked anywhere again! He only has one speed- fast! He has increased his vocabulary like crazy and we're starting to have legit conversations! He is using the potty (but not potty-trained all the way) and learning how to do more and more things on his own. He has finally stopped spitting up this year and his reflux has gotten much better. His little personality has blossomed and he is loving and hilarious and just a little wild :)

The mom of Mack in me can't wait for 2014 to see what else Mack will do as a two year old! The mom of Henry in me is sad to see 2013 coming to a close.

We went to the cemetery today to visit Henry's grave. I never thought I'd be spending part of New Year's Eve visiting my son's grave. I'm so glad his marker is finally here and we have a permanent place to go and remember our baby boy. I bought a bouquet of bright orange, yellow, and green flowers to put around his headstone. I thought they looked like they were cheerfully welcoming the new year.

Here is a picture of Henry's marker with the last batch of Christmas flowers that I brought.

Who knows what this next year holds for our family. The doctors say even though they have no idea what caused Henry to be stillborn, that it is less likely to happen again if we wait a full year between pregnancies. So, this year will be one of trying to be satisfied with what I have. I'm trying really hard to be completely happy being a wife and mother of a 20 month old. I'm trying not to yearn for a life where I'm a wife and mother to a 20 month old and a 2 month old. I'm trying to get used to my body again now that I'm not pregnant or breastfeeding. Now that it's actually mine again, I'm really trying to work on just being healthy for a little while. Not stick skinny, but just healthy.

I'm really excited about our church's plan to read "The Story" together this next year and study the story of God's love for us. I pray that this year includes lots of spiritual growth for our family.

Why are people with wallpaper borders less likely to get tattoos?

I was thinking about tattoos as I was removing wallpaper glue from the top of my walls in the kitchen. Tattoos and wallpaper have similar characteristics:

-They seem like a good idea at the time

-Trendy

-Pretty when you get them

-Ten years later, you start to regret them

-They no longer go with current trends or styles

-VERY HARD TO REMOVE!

That is why I feel like people who have tattoos are less likely to put up wallpaper and people who put up wallpaper are less likely to get tattoos.

We have lived in this house for 2.5 years, and for 2.5 years, I have hated the wallpaper border in the kitchen. This is the picture of our kitchen that was in the ad for our house online:

It's not horrible, but kind of dated looking. Also, the paint job was really terrible. Since I needed to repaint anyway, I figured I might as well rip off that pesky wallpaper border! My son was taking a nap one day, I saw my travel steamer, and on a whim I started ripping wallpaper off the walls! What a fun feeling!

Using my little travel steamer seemed to make it much easier to peel off the paper. There were some pesky little places where the glue was stronger, but overall wasn't bad. After sponging off the walls with hot water, we realized that the paint along the top edge of the wall had peeled. Even with a coat of primer over it, it still needed to have dry wall mud added to it to even it out. My husband added a layer of drywall mud, and then I sanded it down and washed it.

So, if you decide to take on a project like this, just know that you will make several trips around the room on a ladder/standing on countertops:
1. Removal of wallpaper
2. Washing off of glue
3. Mudding if needed
4. Sanding
5. Washing again
6. Priming with oil based primer
7. Painting the first coat
8. Painting the second coat

So, for step #6, we painted with oil based primer just over the mud and part where there used to be wallpaper glue. The paint man we talked to about this said that it can look and feel like you washed off all the glue, but you really need to use oil based primer or else the glue can start to seep through the paint.

Above: primed walls

*make sure to open some windows and turn on fans if you are using oil based primer. This stuff stinks!

Once that is dry, it's time to paint! We used Behr Hazelnut Cream from Home Depot with paint and primer in it, and it still took 2 coats. I've noticed that when I use something with more of a sheen, which I did since it's a kitchen and I wanted to be able to wipe the walls down, it takes more coats for some reason.

From drab to fab! I had no idea our walls were so "builder brown" before we painted! This color looked a little white when we first started painting, but it definitely came out true to swatch by the time we finished. When we finish painting the trim more of a true white instead of tan, I think it will look even better!

After we painted, there was one final thing to do. The builders had clearly painted and put up the wallpaper border prior to installing cabinets. I had a really hard time removing the wallpaper border above the fridge and I knew I wouldn't be able to get back in there to mud and paint. If I can't reach it, nobody can! My solution was just to move that small cabinet up to be flush with the ceiling and then I never have to worry about painting again. As a bonus, I have much more above the fridge storage! If you ever try this in your home, just be aware that cabinets weigh more than you think they will. When my husband unscrewed it, it came crashing down on the fridge. He had to rig a series of makeshift jacks with buckets stacked on top of each other to hold it up along the way! Hey, it worked!

Another project I did was taking out the canvas that no longer fit the color scheme of the kitchen and wrapping a tea towel around it and reframing it. The tea towel is about my favorite drink, sweet tea, and my friend got it for me in Savannah, GA, one of my favorite places!

I love how it turned out! Thanks Liz! 

Another problem we had in our kitchen was the french door. Light pours in from the outside right at mealtimes. I needed a window treatment that opened up and closed completely so that we can still access the outside when we need to and we can let in as much light or as little light as needed. I bought a 96" long curtain rod with wood rings from Lowe's. 

I snatched half of the curtains from the living room and put them in the kitchen. Since it's an open floor plan, it's nice that they match! 

Before, insane amounts of blinding light:

After:

These Ikea Stockholm Blad curtains open all the way past the door and actually close all the way as well. It's hard to find curtains in this size! 

The final things we did were flipping the floor plan and swapping the table. The table used to be a counter height bistro set with a tile top. Not the most practical thing in the world for a toddler needing to switch to a booster seat. 

It was such a pretty table. The things we do for love! I moved this table outside since it's actually an outdoor set and we moved the $100 table from our basement upstairs. It's probably from the 1960's with that awesome formica top and solid wood with leaves. It's very practical and wipes clean really well. My son's booster chair fits perfectly. I probably should have done it a long time ago, but I wanted to hold on to pretty things for as long as I could. 

We also moved the china cabinet to the opposite wall to be as far away from my son's seat as possible. This is also making room for the play kitchen he's getting for Christmas! 

This was the before layout with the "new" table.

The after layout. I know I already used this picture, but in case you didn't want to scroll up again.

This is the other side of the kitchen post-painting. Look- there is room for a cereal box above the fridge! 

And finally, the rolling pin. My mother-in-law gave me this awesome rolling pin. She has one just like it. She grew up on a farm in Culleoka, TN. This rolling pin and its twin that she has at her house were carved from an old tree on her old farm. I really like having a place to hang it now!

Wow, I'm tired. I know it's not everyone's dream kitchen. There is still a bunch of stuff to do like caulking the countertops and painting the trim white. But, it's a huge improvement. 

The estimate that the painters gave us on painting the kitchen and prepping the walls was $690.00! So in my book, we just saved a ton of money!

You get what He paid for

One of my favorite Vacation Bible School songs when I was growing up was this:

The foolish man built his house upon the sand,
The foolish man built his house upon the sand,
The foolish man built his house upon the sand,
And the rains came tumbling down.
Ohhhhh...
The rains came down as the floods came up.
The rains came down as the floods came up.
The rains came down as the floods came up,
And the foolish man's house went SPLAT!

The wise man built his house upon the rock,
The wise man built his house upon the rock,
The wise man built his house upon the rock,
And the rains came tumbling down.
Ohhhhhhh.....
The rains came down as the floods came up.
The rains came down as the floods came up.
The rains came down as the floods came up,
And the wise man's house stood FIRM.

So build your house on the Lord Jesus Christ,
Build your house on the Lord Jesus Christ,
So build your house on the Lord Jesus Christ,
And the blessings will come down.
Ohhhh....
The blessings come down as the prayers go up,
The blessings come down as the prayers go up,
The blessings come down as the prayers go up,
So build your house on the Lord Jesus Christ.

I loved the part when the foolish man's house goes splat and we got to clap our hands together! I had this song stuck in my head the other day, and it dawned on me, "Blessings don't always come down on me when my prayers go up, and I feel like I've built my house on the Lord Jesus Christ!" In fact, there are lots of people I know who seem to live Godly lives who have horrible things happen to them or to people they love.

How do we wrap our heads around the fact that we don't always get what we pray for?
And then I thought about the phrase, "You get what you pay for." And then I thought, "I didn't pay for any of my blessings, Jesus paid the price for me." So, you don't always get what you pray for, but you always get what He paid for.

As I scroll through my newsfeed, I see, "I am so blessed with...." It's almost always a post about family (husbands, kids, grandkids), health, or a post about something material (new car, new house, new boots, black Friday deals). I am blessed by these things too (except grandkids) and have written some of these same things! We should give God the glory when we can see him working in our lives! But as I read some of the posts about new babies, I can't help but think of Henry and how we were not blessed with a "happy, healthy delivery of our baby in October" which is what we prayed for over and over ever since we found out I was pregnant. My blessings didn't come down as my prayers went up. So, am I not blessed because Henry died? Did God not hear our fervent prayers?

God knew the desires of my heart, but we still did not get what we prayed for. However, we do get what God paid for with the sacrifice of his son. God knows what it's like to lose a son. And that son blessed me with eternal life and the opportunity to be with my son again one day in Heaven. There is no greater blessing than being saved from my sins, and that is the blessing I am most thankful for this Thanksgiving.

There are no words

When I was a little girl, I can remember as clear as day, we were riding down one of the main roads in Chattanooga and my older brother said something that truly offended me. Although I can't remember what he said, I DO remember what my dad said in response to my super offended reaction. My dad said, "Sweetie, you need to learn how to take a joke!" This, of course, offended me too. "How dare my own father criticize me after my brother offended me? The nerve!" Then, it hit me! I was getting super offended all the time, and I was just a little girl! I decided right then that I would accept constructive criticism and joking, and I would give other people the benefit of the doubt.  

You can't control what other people say to you, but you can control how you react to what they say.

Our society is full of the easily offended and of people eager to not offend. Hence the articles on how not to offend people. Recently, my news feed has been full of articles about "8 Things You Should Never Say" or "12 Things That if You Say Them Make You a Horrible Person." Most of them are about what not to say to grieving parents, people with cancer, or people with other struggles/illness. These articles are generally well written and well-meaning. As a grieving mom, I can definitely identify with them and see where the authors are coming from. Some comments can be painful to hear.

The problem with people who are easily offended and the people eager not to offend, is that we have created lists of dos and don'ts that people have to memorize in order to interact with others. It's not natural! When our baby died, sure, we had all kinds of inappropriate comments and even a few inappropriate "grief gifts." But, they're comments and presents! Presents that people took the time to pick out, thinking, "I think this might make Cara and her family feel better." And comments that in people's heads, sounded really good to them! My friends and family aren't trying to offend me, they are trying to comfort me and let me know they love me and are sad that our baby died. If there was a perfect phrase or gift to send a grieving person, everyone would say or give that perfect thing.

If you slip and accidentally say something offensive to me, I appreciate what you are really trying to say- that you love me, and you're sorry our baby died. I'm sorry too, and I love you too. I have said more than my fair share of stupid things in my life, and I know I'm not finished doing so. I will try to not offend anyone, but the most offensive thing people can do to someone who needs comfort, is not saying anything because they are too scared.

To everyone who has expressed sympathy and given us gifts, we are incredibly thankful! We have the best friends and family anyone could possibly ask for. Thank you for your bravery in saying something to us. Thank you for the hugs, and thank you for saying, "There are no words." Because there really aren't, but it still means so much that you try.

The Minivan's Half Full

I found out I was pregnant just a few weeks after buying our new (to us) minivan. I teased my husband that now that we bought a van, we had to fill it up! Just a few weeks before we were due to fill up that van, we took a trip in it to the hospital to deliver a baby that had already passed away. Now, I look in my rear view mirror and see a chair without a carseat.

One of my friends from college wrote a blog after one of her twins passed away called the "Bassinet's Half Full." It was beautifully written from a mother who is trying to be excited for the life of her living twin and being a new mom while also mourning the death of her other daughter. You can read it here:
http://www.aspiringkennedy.com/2013/02/the-babies-kennedy-bassinets-half-full.html

Unfortunately, I now find myself in a very similar situation. Our baby boy was stillborn in mid-September, and I have an 18 month old son who still needs me to be his Mama. We had so many hopes and dreams for our baby son and looked forward to being with him on this earth. But now we can only look forward to being with him in Heaven one day.

We have so much to be thankful for. We had 34 weeks with our precious baby boy and I really do praise God for choosing me to carry him. We also have a healthy and active "big boy" who is always busy getting into things. We are blessed so much by his presence in our lives.

So now, 2 months after the death of my son, I am taking a cue from my friend, and choosing to look in the rear view mirror to see that our minivan is not half empty, it is half full.

Nursery #2

When our son was about 9 months old, we realized I was pregnant again!  I have heard everything from, "Congratulations!  They will grow up being best friends!" to "I would shoot myself if I had kids 18 months apart."  I have chosen to be excited about this pregnancy, baby, and the close-to-getherness of my two boys.  The way I show my excitement is usually through decorating!  We found out we were having another boy when I was around 14-15 weeks pregnant.  I chose to paint the nursery Benjamin Moore "Cement Gray."  It didn't quite turn out how I thought it would, a little more of a gray-blue than a true gray.  But, I still like it and my husband liked the blue-ish tint because he thought it looked more like a boy's room. 

Once baby turned viable last week, I decided to get moving on the nursery.  I have to get it in where I can fit it in while I'm chasing my very mobile 14 month old!  Here are some pictures of the progress:

My mom and dad helped paint the room!  Thanks guys!  This room was one of our two guest rooms.

 Here is the after pic!  Curtains are from Ikea- they are 119" long and great for the fan-shaped window.  Lamp and blanket from Target, toy bin from Home Goods.








This is the view when you first walk in:

We used the rocker from our older son's room because he wasn't using it anymore.  It was my husband's grandmother's.  We also used his old dresser and one of his book shelves.  (I'll post pictures of his big boy furniture later.)  

 We still need books on the shelves.

 

I love using tool boxes for a diaper caddy.  They have so many heavy duty pockets and they can be used all the way up until my sons are grown men!  My husband even wanted one!  The initials are navy blue even though they look darker in the pictures.  For the letters, I had frames already.  I just put scrapbook paper in them and hot glued the painted letters to the top of the glass.  Pretty cheap project!  The paper is orange chevron, red chevron, and gray chevron.  

We'll probably be doing lots of rocking and nursing in this spot!

Crib bumper from Amazon.com.  My mom found this music box monkey at Target that matched perfectly! 

 Before pic: The wall you face when you're sitting in the rocking chair.

After:  Mirror from Ikea.  Clock from Target.  It's always good to be looking at the clock to time those late night feedings!  The trim and doors look so much better painted a crisp white!  They were a dingy tan color before.  I have a really cute car mirror I still need to hang up over the closet.

Curtains closed.  With the curtains closed, you can't even tell that there is a fan shaped window.  You can see the light coming through in this picture, but the curtains actually do an excellent job keeping the room dark while baby is hopefully sleeping in his crib! 

First Nursery

One of the first projects we did in the new house was create a room for our new baby!  This was pre-pinterest, which is kind of funny to think about!  I used HGTV's rate my space for some design ideas and did lots of googling for other ideas.  I had my own "pinterest board" in my head and used bookmarks (I know, right?) to keep track of the things I loved and wanted to use.  I love how the before and after pictures turned out!

Here is the room before:

Not too bad to start with, but it didn't really look like a boy's room.
















Here are the after pics taken by Jessi Taylor Photo during our maternity session:

 The wall color is Benjamin Moore Spring Sky (it's actually Behr paint that we color matched).  I made the curtains and crib bedding. 

 The dresser was an antique mall find in Chattanooga.  The orange rocking chair was my husband's grandmother's. 

 Wall hook from Hobby Lobby.  We have since added a clock above the light switch for the nights when I was up late nursing and trying to time how long he had been eating. 

I really do love the way it turned out!  Of course it doesn't look this good anymore because my 13 month old is a mini-tornado!  Most of his diapering materials are spread out on the floor because he will not sit still!  Potty training really can't come soon enough!